dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
