either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
