Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
