I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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