I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
