My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
