From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
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She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
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She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
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