my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Acid is not a monday night drug
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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