dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
