Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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