Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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