Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
