Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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