she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
