im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
