Define "chronic" masturbator.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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