I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
