Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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