I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
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