I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
