Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
