2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
