She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
