Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
NoShamevember. You game?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
