Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
this boner is exhausting
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
