We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
