based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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