I'm sorry my penis didn't work
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
