Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
