Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
