You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
