I am spending my child support on dildos
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
