I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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