Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
