The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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