So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
