Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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