I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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