Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
