Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
