btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
