Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
