The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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