you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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