I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
