You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
