If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
