You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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