Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
