I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
