If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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