I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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