so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
