I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
