Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
