my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
