Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
