My first STD was from a foam party
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
