Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
