i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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