Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
