I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
love makes seman taste better
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.