Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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